The Plight of the Elderly

Disclaimer – This post is meant to be funny and may cause uncontrollable laughter, smiling and induce a feeling of well being and happiness. Please be advised and read responsibly.

We have all heard it, how rough the elderly have it in this country. And no doubt getting older in this day and age is a lot harder than it used to be. The cost of living is much higher, pensions. medicaid and medicare assistance is lower, medicine and health care are sky rocketing, just to name a few.  But really, do the elderly have it that bad?

Honestly, I cannot wait to be in my 60′s and 70′s. Here’s why…

As I traveled with my mother this weekend, I noticed all the special treatment that was given to her. I might as well have been rotten chopped liver. But she was treated like royalty. There were discounts at the hotels for her, discounts for food for her, she did not have to put her own heavy suitcase in the above compartment on the airplane. There was none of that for me.  And speaking of airplanes, let’s just talk about the special treatment older people get in the security line.

Older people do not have to take their coats or shoes off. It even says so on a big sign in the security line. My mother accidentally left two (yes two!) cigarette lighters in her purse. The security people noticed it, smiled and put them back in her bags – on girl even smiling at her and telling my mother to just put it in her pocket. Do you know what would happen if I even thought about taking a lighter in my luggage at the airport? There would be 5 huge security people waiting to tackle me on the other side of the scanner, a strip search, an interrogation and possible jail time. For my mom? She got sweet approving smiles.

And have you noticed that older people can say whatever they want and it’s considered charming, funny, adorable or eccentric? I mean think about it…an 80 year old woman lets out a strong of obscenities and it’s funny, she could host Saturday Night Live. Just look at the wonderful, lovely, adorably and funny Betty White. Anyone under the age of 65? We are chastised, considered trashy and low class. If you see an elderly man wearing a t-shirt that has something dirty written on it? We think – good for them! Grandpa can still get it on!  Not so much for the younger set of men…

Have you ever been to church, I mean an old, large, well established Southern church? Especially on a special occasion like Easter? It must be a rule that the older you are, the bigger your hat must be. The size of a elderly woman’s hat in church is truly a status symbol, similar to how big a girls hair and shoulder pads could get back in the 80′s. The English have nothing on older Southern women when it comes to hats. The more colorful and outrageous those big hats are in church, the better. I think an elderly lady could wear a hat with naked hula dancers on it and it would be considered tasteful if over the age of 65.

There are two times in life that I plan to take full advantage and more of my situation. First, when I am pregnant and can blame everything on hormones – I plan to not hold back or be polite at all. That filter will be gone for a good 8 months. And I am going to eat everything I can get my teeth on. I am going to gain a lot of weight, because no one is going to take food away from a pregant woman, and I will be perfectly excused for attacking someone with my fork if they try. And me, and my big boobs and big thighs will be very happy. And then, when I am older, I am going to take full advantage of the fact that I will be able to get away with so much more than I ever could when younger.

If an older woman beats a man with a cane and she is praised as the feisty grandmother. If I did that today…well, it would not turn out so pretty. So, I am going to wait until I am in my 70′s, then visit all those people that made fun of me in school, laughed at me, cut me off in traffic or made me have a bad day…find them in the retirement home they are in and beat them with my feisty Grandmother cane. Then curse at them while wearing a completely in appropriate t-shirt and a huge tall colorful hat. Try doing that at 40 and they will commit you. At 70-something, they may throw you your own parade.

So these older whipper-snappers should stop complaining about how rough they have it. The world is their oyster. Maybe if they really wanted to do something constructive they would chase down congress and beat them their canes. Want the government to run right? Get a whole bunch of angry seniors armed with canes, Ben Gay, polygrip, and the like…the government would be on the right path in a day. McGiever has nothing on a whole bunch of scheming seniors who remember how to actually do math without a calculator. Run a budget? Those older people survived during several recessions and know how to make money stretch after retirement.

And maybe that is why seniors are given so much “social forgiveness”…because they have so much to teach us, if we will sit down long enough to learn from them.



2 thoughts on “The Plight of the Elderly

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