Archive | November 2019

The Difference of a Year

We often hear about what a difference a year makes…or a day or a week or an hour. But does it truly resonate when we hear that expression? Most of the time i think it goes in one ear and out the other as we understand the meaning but not the point. I think if this time last year. I was weary and still shattered, soul tired and just trying to keep my emotional head above water.

The compound was still under repair, though that was getting closer to completion. I had argued with the insurance company that they had indeed made a $10,000 mistake in their favor. And eventually they had to admit that they had. I was broke from paying for everything and and felt utterly, completely, unmistakably alone. I once saw a picture of a tree, alone standing in the storm, and I felt exactly like that. Ugly, broke and beyond exhausted. I knew I deserved love, but who in the world was left? There was no one. Or so I thought. But I could not have been more wrong.

Feeling completely alone, so alone that not even God could find you is a hard place to be. But it was not to last long. The start of the love was Thanksgiving, when I took my cousin up on her offer to spend the holiday at her house. And so I did. And there, in the middle of their home, in the middle of this small town, in the middle of the holiday dinner, I found more love than I knew existed. There were open arms and hugs and smiles and laughs and conversations.

And for the first time in over two years, I did not feel alone. For the first time in over two yers, I felt loved.

And from that love that was given to me, a small hope was borne. A rejuvenation of sorts. It is amazing what a little love can do. It can bring a broken soul back to life. And so it did. In that house, with my cousins, I found my light again. I found my smile. I found the Sun. And I grew, from that day on, knowing that I was not alone, and that there was more love out there in the world for me that I could possibly imagine. And it was my job to find and courage that love into a beautiful life.

But it all started a year ago. And like putting fire to gasoline, it caught and spread. And nowm that love light that was lit on that day, burns a warm flame at my hearth. And I have them to thank.

Life is short. Never underestimate what a little bit if love can do, And never underestimate the miracles and growth that can happen in a year.

Year in Motion

We celebrated a year yesterday. It had been a year and so much has been covered. IT is amazing how fast life happens, yet it seems almost normal in the moment.

We saw each other for the first time since high school a year ago. Our first date, and my last first date. I was a little nervous when we met that night, not sure what to expect. Would there be awkward moments? Would we have any thing in common? But the night went great. He was a formidable match.

A year later…jeeze. It has been a lot of ups and downs, and I think we are both still healing from the downs. But we are strong and happy with each other and where we are in our relationship. It is amazing to me that you can live with someone and still discover new things about them almost every day.

In this year we have laughed, cried, loved, despised, disappointed, inspired, hurt, uplifted and more. We have traveled many trips and had even more meals together. I have met his family and he has met my friends. And here we are.

A million miles can be traveled in a year. And a milliion more this next one coming.

And then here we are, getting a house together, planning a huge future, doing the whole forever thing.

And it is quite exciting. It

The Weight of Nine

That time of year that I love the most is approaching. It is the wonderful holidays. Thanksgiving is coming which means that Christmas and New Years are not that far away.

But it this time of year means something profoundly different for those who have lost loved ones. The holidays can be a hard it me. And indeed they are, more so than any other time of the year. Because from here until the end of the year, there are not only 3 major holidays, but 1 anniversary and 3 family birthdays. Ugh.

But this year is still set out to be the best Christmas so far, because this year so many people will be added. My boyfriend and his family. I am moving to another state and in with him. And he has 4 kids and both parents. I will decorate and cook like crazy to make sure that the togetherness is great.

But they are not my family, they are his, a fact of which I am acutely aware. His children already have a mother, and his parents don’t need another child. Bit in life we have choices, and we can choose to make the best of a situation – a situation I am blessed to have .

But the pain of missing my family will still be there. Loosing 9 family members in less than a year would humble anyone. Those are 9 people who I will not see or speak to this Christmas. Nine people for whom I will not buy gifts. Nine. And the weight of nine is heavy.

This move is digging up all kinds of pain that I have neatly catalogued and put away, or buried rather, so as not to disturb my life. But the truth is, it is incredible painful to not tell my sister about the move, about the why, and the who and the where. Because I want my sister to tell my sister, more than anything. Yes she is still alive, but loss can take many forms.

In my minds fantasy, she comes over and helps me pack. We laugh and giggle and things and memories. We pack and drink wine, tell stories and share. We enjoy being sisters. And we plan visits to see each other. And we make promises of phone calls. But the reality is that if she knew I was moving, there would be nothing but hateful drama and demands of entitlement. Because the fact of the matter is, I am only a means to an end for her.

The truth is that I have tried not to love her my own sister. That would be so much easier. I have prayed that God take away the love and replace it with indifference. I have prayed, but yet the love is still their so it is obviously not going anywhere. I love her and her children no matter what. I can’t stop it.

And that kind of love is very painful when they hate you. It is the beautiful deep love for a sibling and the torture of still loving them no matter what. That is the amazing beauty and brilliant curse of the human condition. I wish I didn’t love her, but I do. And there is no way to stop it so there is also no way of stopping the pain of the situation of not being able to share with her. I will never get used to that.

However, life is a series of choices, and so I can choose to let this pain destroy my joy and make me miserable, or I can choose to rise anyway. I I choose to rise. So this Christmas, this entire holiday season, I will concentrate on what I have and not what I don’t. And what I have is a wonderful man who loves me and friends who are my family who love me better than anyone else. I have my wonderful life of love that I have created and I will continue to curate my life.

And in carrying the weight of nine, I shall find my strength. We all have pain to bear in this life. Ands there will still be moments this season, and many more, that are hard. We we don’t have to stay there, in the dark. Some people do and they turn bitter. But not I. I will never let that happen.

Life is short. Acknowledge and work through the pain, but don’t live there. Find the joy and follow it. Because life is huge and there is enough spacve for everything.