Archive | December 2019

Out with the Ass, in with the New

It was one week until move day, when he woke me up at dawn and said this isn’t working. I’m sorry I hurt you. I have to leave.” And he did. As I sat up, I wondered if what had just happened actually just happened.

Did he really just leave a week before I was to pick up my life and move to Texas with him? And three weeks before my lease is up? Did he really just do that? Yes indeed.

No conversation about it, no telling me what was wrong, no discussing how to handle the arrangements I had made to move with him.

This morning there was a text. Could I send him all the Christmas presents I bought his 4 children? He would make sure he wrapped them and let his kids know that they were from me.

And then I went in to brush my teeth. Except there was brown gunk all over my toothbrush. Yep. He used it to scrub something nasty. Who does that?

I helped this man get and stay sober. I encouraged him to accept a position where he could move and be closer to his children. I bought Christmas present for all 4 of his kids and talked to him about making plans to get his entire family together for the holidays.

You know, I am a nice person up to a point. When you push a good loyal woman, you just deserve what you get.

So after a little therapeutic “purging” I will be busy packing and getting ready to move somewhere…And celebrating “in with the new” just in time for the new year.

It will be a new place, a new man, and a new year.

 

A Thanksgiving

Hi Mom and Dad,

It’s me. Thanksgiving just happened and This is the first year that I have been happy. I still really miss you and always wish you were here. But it feels good to be happy to be happy again. It feels good to enjoy the holidays again. Life finally feels good again.

I went to the cousins and it was great. I introduced my plus one and told then of our plans. I think they were a bit shocked as it seems so sudden to them, but this has been over a year in the making. And I need a change. It is time to move forward with life and build. I cannot stay in grief forever. And I know that you guys understand. You probably think it is silly that I have grieved this long.. But I will never stop grieving losing you, it will never be normal to not have you here and I will never stop missing you.

But it this was the first Thanksgiving that I did not cry. And that is wonderful. I can actually breath during the holidays and not always be sad. I can put the Christmas tree up and listen to the holiday music and smile. Because I have something to look forward to. And you taught me to ber stronger than anything that happens in life.

There will still be hard moments, I know that. Because ti will never be OK that you are gone during the holidays. But life f=goes on and I must go with it. And I know that is how you would want it to be. We have plans. But if those plans don;t work, I know you made me st5rong enough to be OK with that too. I guess after you have gone through the worst, the rest of life is not as hard.

And so here I am, miss and loving you guys, but doing well. I am happy Mom and Dad. I am smiling. And mom, for the first time since you passed away, I am looking forward to Christmas.

Love you guys always. Please visit me in my dreams.