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Out with the Ass, in with the New

It was one week until move day, when he woke me up at dawn and said this isn’t working. I’m sorry I hurt you. I have to leave.” And he did. As I sat up, I wondered if what had just happened actually just happened.

Did he really just leave a week before I was to pick up my life and move to Texas with him? And three weeks before my lease is up? Did he really just do that? Yes indeed.

No conversation about it, no telling me what was wrong, no discussing how to handle the arrangements I had made to move with him.

This morning there was a text. Could I send him all the Christmas presents I bought his 4 children? He would make sure he wrapped them and let his kids know that they were from me.

And then I went in to brush my teeth. Except there was brown gunk all over my toothbrush. Yep. He used it to scrub something nasty. Who does that?

I helped this man get and stay sober. I encouraged him to accept a position where he could move and be closer to his children. I bought Christmas present for all 4 of his kids and talked to him about making plans to get his entire family together for the holidays.

You know, I am a nice person up to a point. When you push a good loyal woman, you just deserve what you get.

So after a little therapeutic “purging” I will be busy packing and getting ready to move somewhere…And celebrating “in with the new” just in time for the new year.

It will be a new place, a new man, and a new year.

 

A Thanksgiving

Hi Mom and Dad,

It’s me. Thanksgiving just happened and This is the first year that I have been happy. I still really miss you and always wish you were here. But it feels good to be happy to be happy again. It feels good to enjoy the holidays again. Life finally feels good again.

I went to the cousins and it was great. I introduced my plus one and told then of our plans. I think they were a bit shocked as it seems so sudden to them, but this has been over a year in the making. And I need a change. It is time to move forward with life and build. I cannot stay in grief forever. And I know that you guys understand. You probably think it is silly that I have grieved this long.. But I will never stop grieving losing you, it will never be normal to not have you here and I will never stop missing you.

But it this was the first Thanksgiving that I did not cry. And that is wonderful. I can actually breath during the holidays and not always be sad. I can put the Christmas tree up and listen to the holiday music and smile. Because I have something to look forward to. And you taught me to ber stronger than anything that happens in life.

There will still be hard moments, I know that. Because ti will never be OK that you are gone during the holidays. But life f=goes on and I must go with it. And I know that is how you would want it to be. We have plans. But if those plans don;t work, I know you made me st5rong enough to be OK with that too. I guess after you have gone through the worst, the rest of life is not as hard.

And so here I am, miss and loving you guys, but doing well. I am happy Mom and Dad. I am smiling. And mom, for the first time since you passed away, I am looking forward to Christmas.

Love you guys always. Please visit me in my dreams.

The Difference of a Year

We often hear about what a difference a year makes…or a day or a week or an hour. But does it truly resonate when we hear that expression? Most of the time i think it goes in one ear and out the other as we understand the meaning but not the point. I think if this time last year. I was weary and still shattered, soul tired and just trying to keep my emotional head above water.

The compound was still under repair, though that was getting closer to completion. I had argued with the insurance company that they had indeed made a $10,000 mistake in their favor. And eventually they had to admit that they had. I was broke from paying for everything and and felt utterly, completely, unmistakably alone. I once saw a picture of a tree, alone standing in the storm, and I felt exactly like that. Ugly, broke and beyond exhausted. I knew I deserved love, but who in the world was left? There was no one. Or so I thought. But I could not have been more wrong.

Feeling completely alone, so alone that not even God could find you is a hard place to be. But it was not to last long. The start of the love was Thanksgiving, when I took my cousin up on her offer to spend the holiday at her house. And so I did. And there, in the middle of their home, in the middle of this small town, in the middle of the holiday dinner, I found more love than I knew existed. There were open arms and hugs and smiles and laughs and conversations.

And for the first time in over two years, I did not feel alone. For the first time in over two yers, I felt loved.

And from that love that was given to me, a small hope was borne. A rejuvenation of sorts. It is amazing what a little love can do. It can bring a broken soul back to life. And so it did. In that house, with my cousins, I found my light again. I found my smile. I found the Sun. And I grew, from that day on, knowing that I was not alone, and that there was more love out there in the world for me that I could possibly imagine. And it was my job to find and courage that love into a beautiful life.

But it all started a year ago. And like putting fire to gasoline, it caught and spread. And nowm that love light that was lit on that day, burns a warm flame at my hearth. And I have them to thank.

Life is short. Never underestimate what a little bit if love can do, And never underestimate the miracles and growth that can happen in a year.

Year in Motion

We celebrated a year yesterday. It had been a year and so much has been covered. IT is amazing how fast life happens, yet it seems almost normal in the moment.

We saw each other for the first time since high school a year ago. Our first date, and my last first date. I was a little nervous when we met that night, not sure what to expect. Would there be awkward moments? Would we have any thing in common? But the night went great. He was a formidable match.

A year later…jeeze. It has been a lot of ups and downs, and I think we are both still healing from the downs. But we are strong and happy with each other and where we are in our relationship. It is amazing to me that you can live with someone and still discover new things about them almost every day.

In this year we have laughed, cried, loved, despised, disappointed, inspired, hurt, uplifted and more. We have traveled many trips and had even more meals together. I have met his family and he has met my friends. And here we are.

A million miles can be traveled in a year. And a milliion more this next one coming.

And then here we are, getting a house together, planning a huge future, doing the whole forever thing.

And it is quite exciting. It

The Weight of Nine

That time of year that I love the most is approaching. It is the wonderful holidays. Thanksgiving is coming which means that Christmas and New Years are not that far away.

But it this time of year means something profoundly different for those who have lost loved ones. The holidays can be a hard it me. And indeed they are, more so than any other time of the year. Because from here until the end of the year, there are not only 3 major holidays, but 1 anniversary and 3 family birthdays. Ugh.

But this year is still set out to be the best Christmas so far, because this year so many people will be added. My boyfriend and his family. I am moving to another state and in with him. And he has 4 kids and both parents. I will decorate and cook like crazy to make sure that the togetherness is great.

But they are not my family, they are his, a fact of which I am acutely aware. His children already have a mother, and his parents don’t need another child. Bit in life we have choices, and we can choose to make the best of a situation – a situation I am blessed to have .

But the pain of missing my family will still be there. Loosing 9 family members in less than a year would humble anyone. Those are 9 people who I will not see or speak to this Christmas. Nine people for whom I will not buy gifts. Nine. And the weight of nine is heavy.

This move is digging up all kinds of pain that I have neatly catalogued and put away, or buried rather, so as not to disturb my life. But the truth is, it is incredible painful to not tell my sister about the move, about the why, and the who and the where. Because I want my sister to tell my sister, more than anything. Yes she is still alive, but loss can take many forms.

In my minds fantasy, she comes over and helps me pack. We laugh and giggle and things and memories. We pack and drink wine, tell stories and share. We enjoy being sisters. And we plan visits to see each other. And we make promises of phone calls. But the reality is that if she knew I was moving, there would be nothing but hateful drama and demands of entitlement. Because the fact of the matter is, I am only a means to an end for her.

The truth is that I have tried not to love her my own sister. That would be so much easier. I have prayed that God take away the love and replace it with indifference. I have prayed, but yet the love is still their so it is obviously not going anywhere. I love her and her children no matter what. I can’t stop it.

And that kind of love is very painful when they hate you. It is the beautiful deep love for a sibling and the torture of still loving them no matter what. That is the amazing beauty and brilliant curse of the human condition. I wish I didn’t love her, but I do. And there is no way to stop it so there is also no way of stopping the pain of the situation of not being able to share with her. I will never get used to that.

However, life is a series of choices, and so I can choose to let this pain destroy my joy and make me miserable, or I can choose to rise anyway. I I choose to rise. So this Christmas, this entire holiday season, I will concentrate on what I have and not what I don’t. And what I have is a wonderful man who loves me and friends who are my family who love me better than anyone else. I have my wonderful life of love that I have created and I will continue to curate my life.

And in carrying the weight of nine, I shall find my strength. We all have pain to bear in this life. Ands there will still be moments this season, and many more, that are hard. We we don’t have to stay there, in the dark. Some people do and they turn bitter. But not I. I will never let that happen.

Life is short. Acknowledge and work through the pain, but don’t live there. Find the joy and follow it. Because life is huge and there is enough spacve for everything.

The Speed of Happy

So I have been keeping a secret. A delicious, happy, juicy secret. Only a few people in my life know about this secret. Until now.

My landlord recently let me know that they are not going to renew the lease. Which means I need to move at the end of the year. At first I as panicked about this. I mean on the verge of tears and ugly cry kind of verge. I did not want to move, again. I wanted to stay put right where I am comfortable. But when God has plans for you, he will place you where you need to be, and take you away from where you don’t. And obvioously I am not supposed to be here.

And that is when things really started getting interesting. My on again boyfriend was given an opportunity that he could not turn down – keep your job but do it remotely. From Texas – his home and where all of his family currently lives. He took it in a heartbeat.

And then I am offered a contract where I can work mostly remote. And the landlords will not renew. And I can go anywhere. So I might have to go to Texas.

The truth is that I have been talking about getting out of my current state and having a fresh start someplace new now for years. Now that it is a possibility, it is scary. As in about to have a panic attack scary. Not in a bad way, in a holy crap, it could actually happen kind of way. And why is that? Why do we panic when there is a possibility of getting exactly what we want and for which we have been praying? I mean the man, the love, the new start, the new life? It is all right there, in front of me…

And I am incredibly happy. I have been laughing and smiling more this last few months than I have been in several years. And it is wonderful. An amazing. So why am I so terrified of getting what I want?

Life is short. Go after what you want. And maybe if your dreams don’t scare you, then you truly aren’t dreaming big enough. Maybe it is time to step out of my comfort zone and got for it, fast. That way you can catch up to the speed of happiness.

The Empath’s Path

There have been many scientific studies about empaths and how they take on and absorb the feelings of others. It is also well known that empaths notice certain things about people that may be others do not quite pick up on. Empths tend to be more noticing of someone’s energy and their mood. And typically empaths are very nurturing by Nature, they are very giving and I love taking care of the people they love.

The first time I read about the characteristics of an empath with several years ago, and it immediately struck a chord. That is when I recognized that I am to an empath. And so I started to guard myself against toxic people, and people with a lot of negative energy. Now everyone goes through a tough time in their life, and I’m not talking about those people. I mean the kind of people who suck the life and light out of every situation and any room that they happen to be in. I think it is exhausting to deal with people like that in the first place, but if you are an empath it’s even worse.

Because empaths are naturally giving people, it is also very easy for them to,be taken adventage of. And this indeed is something I’ve had to watch out for in my life too. Now, because I know that this naturally nurturing characteristics makes me easy prey, I guard against it and make sure the person I am giving doesn’t mind reciprocating. Because weather in a romantic relationship, a family relationship, or even co-workers and friendships, it is important that the relationship be mutually beneficial.

The other thing that I have have read and had to guard against, is the seeming attraction between a narcissist and an empath. A narcissist will destroy anyone and anything that is in their path, and especially someone who is willing to give, with a seemingly endless supply. My last relationship was with a narcissist, and indeed if I gave an inch he insisted on two miles.

At this point in my life as an empath, I want to take care of those I love without all the drama. I want a peaceful, loving home where there is no yelling and fighting. I want dinners eaten around the family dinner table, with laughter and talk of the days events. I want someone who supports me and who is kind. Someone with endless amount empathy and compassion. Basically, I want another empath.

Because it seems the best relationship is one where you support and help each other. So if you take two givers and put them together, each of the functioning to take care of the other, then wouldn’t that be the ideal? Instead of one taking and using, both are nurturing.

I want that 1950s life with a loving partner. I want to serve my partner, because I love him. I want to be submissive (gasp!). I want to celebrate taking care of each other and buildibg a beautiful, intricate life where burdens are shared. I want to truly celebrate being an empath instead of having to be weary of being used for it.

In this day and age of everyone being so independant and unwilling to give, is that even possible? Yes, I think so. At least I hope so. But it takes a very strong man to handle an independant woman who chooses to be submissive. Because submission does not mean being controlled or ordered around. It means you do for the other because you love. And when you are allowed to love that way, both flourish. My Mom explained that to me a long time ago. You take care of and cherish each other.

And so that is the path and intention I want in my life moving forward, at least for my personal life.

Life is short. Be kind, be supportive, be loving. Because in the end, all we have is the love that is shared and gow we treated people who,will remember us. And you can’t take all that love with you, so give it away as much as you can. Just make sure it’s tobthe right people. And that is the empaths path.