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Dreams

I have long said that I beleived that if you work hard, have faith and beleive, that your dreams will come true. Hard work and perseverance truly do pay off. And Now, during this time of my life, it is truly paying off.

I have struggled, I have been so very poor, I have worked all night and all day, I have cired so many tears, a river of tears, an entire ocean. I have known the pain of being too tender, had broken hearts, felt each piece break one heartbeat at a time, I have liad down next to love and woke up with lies. I have beleived the wrong men, men who knew too much, men who knew too little and man who didn’t know at all. Men who were late, early and men who never came at all.

I have tried with all of my heart and soul. I have stayed awake at night, unable to sleep or watching over those I love. I have krept out inthe morning, stayed too long, beleived when I knew it was wrong, taken calcualted risks that worked and some that didn’t. I have failed, so very hard. And I have fallen, so very hard, for him. And I have wondered, at night when the stars are quiet.

And I have known his footsteps as he nears the room, his smell, his looks, his everything. And I have known all of them, too well, too little and closed my eyes when I did not want to know. I have been a friend, a lover, a sister, a girlfriend, a fighter, a believer, a worker, an liar, a truther. And I have held my own heart, wounded, bleeding, beating. And I have put it back together. I have taped, banaged and bandaided my faith and belief in others.

And I have tried, so very hard.

And here I am. Finally. My dreams are coming true, both professionally and personally. Thank you to all who believed, to all those who faollowed, all those who cheered and rooted. Thank you to alal those who booed and hurt me too. For you too motivated me and made me better, though I may have not known it at the time.

And now, as I sit at the top of this huge, trechurous mountain, I see that the view is wonderful, beautifu. The air is clear and clean. And as I have have sweated, my heartache comin goout of my pours, dripping down onto the Earth, I know that every minute was worth it. I have Peace, and I have Love.

It’s all worth it, in the end. Every minute, every second, every moment.

The Best Place

The Best Place

Last night, as my father lay on the couch and my sister, mother an di were sitting around the dinner table talking softly while having cheese, crackers and wine, Dad said something very sweet and meaningful. He has not been feeling well after his last chemo treatment. Theyu live in Southwest georgia, and come up to stay with me when he gets his treatments.

Last night as he sat up to get some water, he said that this was the best place he could be, right here, in my house, surrounded by his family and those he loves most. Yes, I am a Daddy’s Girl.

Many men do not realize how much influence they have over their daughters, espcially when it comes to love and dating. I hold such high standards because of the kindof man my father is. I knwo what honor and integrity are because of watching him. I know how a man should treat me, because of the way he not only treats my mother, but by the way he treats every other woman he comes into cantact with as well. He protects women, he respects them, he treats them with kindness and respect.

Little girls choose their partners, lovers, husbands and know how they should be treated in relationships by watching their fathers. Never forget that guys, as those little eyes and ears pick up much more than you realize. So be the kind of man your daughters would be proud to know. It will make a difference in your life and theirs, trust me.

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Twists and Turns In the game of Life

We all remember that game called Life…you spin the wheel, move your man and follow the directions on the space you landed. Sometimes you ended up with a lot of money, sometimes kids, sometimes lots of things. But there was never any way to know how it was going to go, no matter how you thought you had it figured out.

It is amazing to me the many twists and turns on which life takes us. One thing is for sure, it’s never boring. My life is great, however that does not mean that there are not bad moments, days or worries. There is a saying that life is what happens while you are planning. This, I have found, is so true. And there are some things for which you simply cannot plan, some things that will throw you for a loop, some things for which you just have to roll with the punches so to speak. As a woman who plans, this can be a but unnerving.

Mom and Dad will be here today for Dad’s latest chemo treatment. If this doesn’t work, the doctors are not sure what will be next. Though I have a lot of Faith that things work work out, there are still worries. There is taking care of Mom who will be just about sick with sorry so we much be strong for her.

Money will be tight for the next 2-3 weeks. Temporary cash crunches are just that, temporary. And in that amount of time I will be completely out of debt and debt free is a wonderful place. I don’t believe in using credit cards. After being in finance for so many years, I saw first-hand how easy credit has helped destroy this nation. So I don’t use credit unless I have to. But writing about easy credit and people living beyond their means could be the subject of many blog entries.

My sister and I are having a great time, but it is difficult for her being away from her family. She has been married for 25 years and they have never really been apart. I do as much as I can for her to make her feel better. And in the middle of all of it, are my Lenten Disciplines. Practicing Grace. And God has a sense of humor. I am good except with one person, my latest ex. And I just enjoy being snarky to him because he hurt me so bad. But practicing Grace means letting all of that go, and being nice. He actually accused me of only being nice to him when I needed something. No, I am trying to be nice because of Lent. But, I can only do what I can and let others think what they may.

I may need to add Pride to my list of things on which to work on for my Lenten Disciplines. I have a hard time asking for help. I have been on my own for a long time, and it hurts my pride deeply to admit I cannot do something on my own. As a result, I tend to go to the same people over and over for help, so to avoid anyone knowing that I need. But that is for another entry.

There are also more belly dance classes and photography classes for which I have signed up. There are the photo-shoots scheduled with my agent, new headshots, my book, work is crazy busy, the new relationship that we are exploring, running more and longer, learning the new iPhone, getting my nephew moved in, and a few other things.

 So life is very good, better than I ever thought, but still there are twists and turns in this journey. It is not yet the end of the second month of the year, and it has been so much more than I expected. So many things have not been planned, both good and bad.

So plan all you want, but make sure you have some room for the unexpected, because it’s coming. And really, would we want it any other way? Think of the roads which we take, the people we meet along the way, and the unplanned events that happen in our lives. The twists and turns are what make life…life.

Clean it Out!

We have all heard about the benefits of cleaning out the clutter. And indeed, there have been many articles written about it, and articles written as well.Read them here, here and here.  This is indeed something that has been put to the test this weekend.

It started in my bedroom. In my closet actually. And I cleaned it out. all the clutter, all the movie stubs, and the little things and reminders. Gone.  Along with all the shirt, pants and skirts that no longer fit. And I mean really don;t fit, like no matter how much weight I try to loose i will never again fit onto that. Gone.

And then I moved into the bathroom, and cleaned out everything that was his. Everything that that made me think of him. Gone. Along with all those empty or almost empty shampoo and lotion bottles. All the old things that I had never used and had gone bed. Gone.

Next was the main bedroom and where the most work went into cleaning out. all of the memories and cobwebs cleaned out. Gone. All the told thoughts, feelings and emotions. All the tears and hurts. All the times i hugged my pillow and wished i was not alone in the dark. all the time listening to the clock. tick. one heartbeat at a time. One teardrop at a time. One dream, nightmare, hope and crushed feeling at a time. Gone. Along with all the trash, old papers, noted, thoughts, writings scribbled on notebooks and napkins. Gone.

And the result is a clean life. no clutter, emotional or physical. Bags and bags of clothes to take to Goodwill, and more bags of trash to be taken out to the curb, soon to be picked up, carried away, far away, where i never again shall visit. What is left is bright, airy and full of promises. What is left if Spring.

Yes, I feel as though a weight has been lifted from my shoulders, my heart, my eyes, my soul.

And so it is, because you must get rid of the old, clean it out, in order to make room in your life for the new. If you want to move on and be free from the past, you must first break free from it’s grip. One of the first steps is getting the past from right there in front of your face, to free yourself from it’s ghosts. Let them go to haunt another. Let me not miss him him anymore.

And I am ready for all the wonderful things coming into my life, what is blooming right before my eyes. And this is the year that I want to find love. real, wonderful, inconvenient, can’t live without each other love. but maybe the key to finding that kind of love, you must first fall deeply in love with…your life. And that is exactly what I plan to do. But firsts I must clean out the clutter and trash. And make room for that which will make my heart truly happy.

Lent and Self Reflection

Today is Ash Wednesday, and it marks the start of Lent. For those who are not familiar with this season in the Christian church, it is a time of discipline and self reflection. It is a time of quiet and stillness. To be find your center.

Every year I give up something and take another task on. This year I am giving up cokes (and all carbonated drinks. Eek).  Then this year the extra discipline will be to open up and connect with others on a deeper level. I have become quite a hermit in the last year, and have closed quite a few people out.

I am also concentrating on much self reflection. IT is difficult for me to admit in a public forum, but because of the attack, I have been diagnosed with PTSD. This may seem strange, but more people suffer from PTSD after a violent attack of domestic violence, than vets coming back from the wars. You can read about the causes and symptoms of PTSD here and here and here. Pretty intersting stuff. And i suffered from every symptom right after the attack. Now I am mainly just subject to being extra irritable, and thus have a hard time maintaining close personal relaitonships.

Now the legal and physical battle is finally over, I am taking this time to really heal from the attack and subsequent 18 months of legal hassles, stalking and fear. Finally I can rest and relax.

So this Lenten Season will have a different tone to it. It’s meaning will be much more intimate to me. Because this is the season I get back to me. And that feels good. I have seen glimpses of me along in the past 18 months, but they have been fleeting and in between legal fights and scary threats. I look forward to being healed, from the inside out.

And I really look forward to drinking cokes again. And I am really looking forward to going to church with someone.